Moments That The Words Don't Reach
by Erin Weasley
Summary: The moments when you're in so deep, it feels easier to just swim down


_The Hamilton's move uptown and learn to live with the unimaginable_

Night had fallen and the household was silent, with the exception of the constant scratch of Alexander's quill on parchment. He hadn't gone downstairs for dinner, having it in his office instead. He had barely touched any of the food, simply moving a bean from one side of the plate to another until he decided to write again. He hadn't been able to eat for a few days now. Instead, he busied himself with work, trying to keep his mind off things. He rarely left his office chair.

Eliza often spent her nights in fro9nt of the fire, gazing into the flames in an unwavering trance. Her thoughts would be lost in the memories of son. The sparkle in his eyes when he smiled, or how his laughter could brighten the day of the entire home. But sometimes, despite how hard she tried, her mind would slip into darker thoughts. Like the way the sparkle left Philip's eyes when he died in her arms, or how Alexander had known about the duel before it took place.

Tonight, however, Angelica had convinced her sister to try and get some rest. The bed was cold and empty, as if there was something missing. Still, Eliza closed her eyes, pushing away her thoughts and fears, and slowly drifted off to sleep. Her dreams filled with the images of young Philip playing the piano, Alexander smiling and laughing by her side. But soon, those dreams turned to nightmares.

Alexander crumpled up the paper in front of him and threw it over his shoulder where it landed in a pile of a dozen others. He sighed and began to pace around the room. It was like every word he thought of, he wrote down backwards. He stopped in front of the window, expecting people to be moving up and down the streets. But the streets were quiet and vacant. Normally, he preferred the bustle and noise of the city, but now he couldn't help but feel grateful for the silence.

"I never liked the quiet before." He thought aloud, resting his forehead against the glass. He half expected the tears the that filled his eyes, but he kept them at bay. Hoping to ease his mind, he grabbed the lantern off the desk and started towards the floorboards creaked under his feet and he cringed, listening for other movement in the house. When he found none, he continued down the dark hallway.

 _The gunshot echoed through Eliza's mind. She cried out as her son, her firstborn, fell to the ground, blood beginning to pool beneath him. She wanted to run to his side, to hold him in her arms, but her feet refused to move. Sadness pressed in on her from all sides and she screamed, trying to get Philip's attention as he faded away into dust. Calling his name, her legs collapsed and she was overwhelmed with sobs. It was pitch black and the ground was cold and damp beneath her. Somewhere in the distance, she could just make out a quiet voice._

" _Eliza." At the sound of her name, she lifted her head out of her hands._

" _Alexander?" She whispered._

" _My love take your time." His voice grew quieter and she stood up, frantically searching around her._

" _Alexander?" This time she spoke louder, calling into the darkness. A single light revealed Alexander, his tired eyes framed by his glasses. A mixture of anger and longing filled her chest but before she could say a word, he spoke._

" _I will see you on the other side." He lifted his arm and another gun shot flooded Eliza's ears and the light vanished, taking Alexander with it._

Alexander had always found the garden to be a sanctuary. But as he walked along the path, he grew lonelier with every step. He sat down on a stone bench, setting the lantern next to him. He put his head in his hands and felt the tears fall into his palms. Every emotion he had felt the past few days seemed to all come back at once. All of the grief and self loathing pushed against the wall he had built until it crumbled.

He let seconds past, allowing them to turn into minutes, until they became an hour. He stood up, picking up the lantern, and went back inside. Now, as he started back towards his office, he heard a voice.

"Alexander." The door to the bedroom was slightly ajar and he could just see his wife, tossing and turning in her sleep. "Alexander." She said again, her voice holding fear and, he noticed, a tone of sadness. He knew he should walk away, that if Eliza woke up and saw him, it would just make her grieving even worse. He didn't deserve to ever step foot in that room again. But as she began to thrash about, gripping the covers so tightly her knuckles turned white, he couldn't let her live out the nightmare any longer.

He cautiously pushed the door open and stepped into the room. As he drew nearer, he could see wet stains down Eliza's cheeks, and it broke his heart. Someone so loving and honest and caring as Eliza should never have to feel this kind of pain. And simply knowing that he had caused so much of it made him hate himself more than she could ever know.

"Alexander!" She was shouting now and Alexander hastily placed the lantern on the bureau. He reached out to wake her, but hesitated. If he woke her, would he frighten her even further, or possibly anger her for coming into the bedroom. The thought that scared him the most was the possibility that _he_ was her nightmare.

Setting his selfish fears aside, he gently shook her shoulder. He whispered her name, barely making any sound at first, but slightly got louder. Still, she remained asleep.

"Eliza." Finally, her eyes opened, and for a brief, beautiful moment, she smiled, her eyes bright, relieved to see her husband in front of her, alive. But then the wonder of the moment disappeared and she quickly pushed away from him.

"What are you doing here?" She hissed and Alexander's face fell and he stared down at his hand. 'Why are you in here?"

"I h-heard you crying and calling out in your sleep, s-so I thought-" He stammered and she narrowed her eyes.

"What are you talking about? You shouldn't be in here." She stood up and paced across the room, wrapping her arms around herself, holding herself together.

"You called out for me, Eliza." He stepped towards her, his arm involuntarily reaching for her, but she backed away. The ring of the shot was still a phantom in her ears, and she thought of the anguish she felt when Alexander disappeared into the darkness. But then she remembered reading The Reynold's Pamphlet, crying in Angelica's arms for hours. And now he stood in front of her, his eyes red and puffy. A stray tear fell down his cheek and he quickly brushed it away, but not before she noticed.

"Alexander," She took a deep breath, "leave." He opened his mouth, but she silenced him. "Please. It's late. Thank you for checking on me, but please… just go." He walked towards the door and she moved to the window, looking into the quiet night. He reached the doorway, but paused. He couldn't leave like that, he had to at least try.

"Look at where we are. Look at where we started." He whispered, turning around, but Eliza kept her gaze out the window. He sucked in a breath and continued. "I know I don't deserve you Eliza, but hear me out, that would be enough." He walked closer to her, but not close enough for her to turn and face him. She wanted to stop him, but just felt to tired to argue. So she listened. "If I could spare his life- if I could trade his life for mine, he'd be standing here right now, and you would smile, and that would be enough." Her mind traveled back to the dream, when Alexander looked at her, his eyes old, and he accepted his fate, then gun went off, and she winced. She missed her son more than anything in the world, but she couldn't think of her life without Alexander either. No matter what he had done.

"I don't pretend to know, the challenges we're facing. I know there's no replacing what we've lost." His voice broke and the tears came back, but this time he made no effort to stop them. "And you need time." He couldn't see that she had tears of her own. "But I'm not afraid. I know who I married."She turned her head, finally looking at him. He closed his eyes and took another breath. "Just let me stay here by your side. That would be enough."

She was speechless, unable to even think of a single word to say. She looked back out the window, wishing there was something out there, that could tell her what to do. But the world remained still, and she would have to make a decision for herself.

Eliza's silence was enough of an answer for Alexander and he hung his head. He wanted to do more, to persuade her to forgive him, to fight for her, but he knew he had no right to hope that she would love him, after every horrible thing he had done. The affair, the pamphlets, everything he did to save his legacy, never stopping to think of the one person who stood by him. He had pushed her away, discarding every moment they had had together. Their son was dead, and Alexander couldn't help but wonder if Philip would be alive if he hadn't convinced him to raise his gun. Philip was gone, and he could have stopped it.

Alexander turned to leave, grabbing the lanturn. Eliza closed her eyes and acted quickly before she would regret it.

 _She takes his hand_

Alexander looked up at her, finding her fingers intertwined with his, but she still faced outside. Quietly she uttered the only words she could.

"It's quiet uptown."

His face crumbled and she stepped into his embrace, quietly sobbing into his chest. He rested his head on top of hers and tightened his arms around her small frame. He couldn't help but feel the warmth spread up from his toes and swell in his chest, filling the emptiness he had felt for so long. Eliza pulled back and looked at his tear stained face, resting her hand on his cheek. They weren't alone anymore.

Angelica had been by Eliza's side every moment of every day, desperately trying to comfort her in any way she could, but she didn't understand how it felt to give someone life then watch it be ripped away. She didn't see Philip's first steps and then hear his final breath. But Alexander _knew_.

A voice in her head reminded her of everything he'd done, everything she had felt that he caused, but all she wanted in that moment was to feel his arms around her. A tear fell down his face and she brushed it away, causing a sad, crooked smile to appear on his face.

"Eliza-" He started.

"Don't." Eliza cut him off. "Don't say anything." He understood and nodded. His words had done nothing but hurt her for a long time now, so it was best for him not to say something and make matters worse. The two sat down on the edge of the bed, Alexander wrapping his arm around Eliza's waist as she laid her head on his shoulder.

The silence that had once filled the both of them with dread was now what they clung to, taking in every sweet, quiet moment as their world began to repair itself. After what felt like hours, Alexander stood his hand resting on Eliza's shoulder

"You should get some rest." He whispered, just loud enough for her to hear. As he walked towards the door, Eliza dreaded the thought of spending another dark night alone with her nightmares.

"Alexander." She called quietly, tears coming to her eyes again. He turned back towards her, his face carved with shadows. "Could you- I mean would you like to… stay?" Alexander looked down at the bed he hadn't slept in in months "I just- I don't think I'll be able to sleep."

"Of- of course." Alexander nodded and smiled softly. They both moved to opposite sides and climbed in under the blankets. At first, neither moved, they both just stared up at the ceiling. But then Eliza shifted closer, resting her head on Alexander's chest, listening to the beat of his heart as he wrapped his arms around her, tucking her head under his chin.

Eliza was the first to finally fall asleep. Alexander felt her breathing become steady. He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead before closing his eyes and letting sleep silence his deafening thoughts.

* * *

Angelica wandered the halls, paper in hand and wide awake. She walked into the living room and was taken back by her sister's absence. She had wanted Eliza to get some sleep, but it was still unusual for her to be in her room this late in the day. Worried that Eliza might be ill, Angelica went to the door of her sister's room and knocked lightly, but received no answer.

"Eliza?" She whispered into the wood. "Eliza, are you alright?" She gently turned the doorknob and opened it just enough to see inside. Instead of finding her sister lying in bed alone, there was someone with her. Alexander stirred slightly, but the two remained peacefully asleep, wrapped in each other's arms. Angelica smiled and closed the door, chuckling quietly to herself.

 _Forgiveness. Can you imagine?_


End file.
